I woke up today determined to pen some thoughts about the past 10 years since when I last updated this blog. I quit blogging even though I had very funny stories to tell because I think I am a lousy storyteller even a lousier writer. The clash of storylines in my head and prose is something I have never had to counsel my mind to order. It’s a raging storm inside my head with each idea pushing to take the center stage or get in the picture. I also am a lousy typist and make shitty writing mistakes in haste, surprisingly, I am more focused when I write for work and professional engagements. I am perhaps the grammar nazi, or at least that is what I think my colleagues see me as.
But it also dawned on me, it’s been 10 years of me being a Cloud Practioner! I always wondered how people said, “I have 10 years of experience in xxx or yyy”. Look at me now, I have solid, un-broken experience in working, failing, and re-working on the cloud and mostly on Google Cloud. Only 1 year of this 10 was in formal employment at Google Kenya! This means, in the last 9 years, I have had to build and sustain a cloud solutions company; Pawa IT Solutions. I am not the glamorized kind of Kenyan entrepreneur, you know the kind that has exclusivity to the use of the term “I ran a Startup”. I have run a sales-driven company that has a customer in at least 24 African countries.
Being an entrepreneur has gotten glamorized lots by many with funny schmoozy reasons such as “being your own boss”, “owning your time”, “working your own schedule”, or “not taking shit from anyone”. I always laugh this off in my heart! When you are an entrepreneur, you will carry the cross and take shit from virtually everyone; employees, suppliers, banks, customers, etc. And still put it the most hours, almost your entire 24 hours are you being at work. And you could still lose it all. You will live in fear and anxiety; terrorized by daytime terrors of how the month will end, and then the next one, and how and if things at the center will hold, in the next year as they did in the last one?
You will put all your own personal growth and earning ambitions on the back burner. I have watched people I started working with, people I want to school, and heck even people who interned and some who worked for me in the past 9 years all earn fat checks in those big fat corporations! You will lose friends.
Anxiety and fear are always a switch away. Paranoid becomes normal and soon you start seeing things that are or may not be there. The threat of all going kaput. The threat of being caught off-guard. The threat of what lies in darkness. Sometimes going to sleep is harder because you are afraid of confronting your brain and thoughts in the most serene and calm state. They are not dreams. I wish I could dream again in the dark and quiet of the night. Not anymore. Instead, in the dead silence of the serenity of the night, you have to start to be answerable to your thought; to you. To be answerable for all the actions you made, did not make. To take stock of the enemy that always lurks in the darkness; known or unknown. That sneaky competitor playing dirty on you. The hard decision. About the complex contracts that are threatening your 9 years. About the departing people. You cheer on but deep down you have a strange feeling. It’s a feeling only an entrepreneur understands; that you have to rebuild again. And even though rebuilding is now your thing; you wish you did not have to. And that is what makes those thoughts dreams. Because you have to build and rebuild. Always and over and over.
And yet I have scars and fears today as I had 9 years ago. I have stories to tell and yet as I promised, I am a lousy storyteller. I hope to live to tell more of the stories. This is not a sad nor a sob story by the way. Because in the end, the convergence happens.
Enjoy the jam this episode is named after.